Here’s the post you asked for, please spare my life!!!

I know, I have become extremely slack, but that’s only because I have had a lot on my plate plus PMS turned me into a total shrew! And then I got a threat from a friend-that-must-not-be-named requesting me to "put up a post or else". *sigh* All this while I thought I blogged for myself…anyways, what’s important is I’m here now, alive and healthy 🙂

I’ll come up with some more stuff later in the week, for now manage this one… with a pinch of salt, of course.

So for a real topic…

Oh Didier!

UEFA Champions league finals! That seems to be the biggest talk everywhere right now (at least in the football world). Hurray Manchester United! It’s a double this year, premier league and champions league! Woohoo.

That being said, I’m not here to talk about football. I may have mentioned that I’m not the biggest fan of Didier Drogba, infact have always thought he was an arrogant prig with awful hair. But being a caring person, I am ready to put aside all my prior prejudices and pass some kind advice to Didier.

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Dear Didier, my brother from another country,

If you want to slap someone, anyone, in front of a crowd of 85,000 people + 50 million viewers worldwide, please do us all a favour, save us the agony and 

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BITCH-SLAP THE PERSON PROPERLY!

Don’t just offer a mere flick of the wrist like a flamboyant orchestra conductor! Afterall, Football is a CONTACT sport! The fact that you had made up your mind to slap Vidic means you were willing to get a red card for it. Might as well make the slap worth getting a red card over! Even I can slap better than you and I don’t even have much practice in the art of slapping! (Sadiq, Kabir, I apologise for terrorising your childhood) Bro Didi (can I call you that? it’s really cute!), You need to WATCH SOME NIGERIAN MOVIES, lots n lots of Nigerian Movies. I recommend anything with Eucharia Anunobi or Patience Ozokwor, now those women are so good at slapping even across the screen, the victim’s pain radiates to you. After 10 to 20 movies you should get a hang of it.

Secondly, your HAIR! Why? Why? Why? What do you use on it? Can’t afford a stylist? Can’t be bothered? Is that where you hide your football jazz? Will you lose your talent if you shave it? Seriously, I need an answer because there has to be a concrete reason as to why the tuft on your cranium resembles a congregation of wispy intestinal villi, complete with mucous and possibly a bolus…eeew, (too far Fatima, too far!). I cringe whenever I see the gooey grease glistening under the hot sun, trying ever so desperately to ooze out via tips of your split-ended mane. The day you braided your hair, I celebrated. I became a chelsea fan for that day… only to realise a week later you were  back to your old habit.

 

Your hair is severly damaged from excessive hair relaxers and greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase! You are like the un-endorsed face of Dark and Lovely (Or whattever product you use). One glance at your hair makes me check mine for undergrowth. You trigger the "when-last-did-I-relax" question. For that, I thank youI know you are not the only soccer player with such hair but you caused this attention on yourself, why did u slap him?

 

I almost wept when I saw this picture.

Poor Shevchenko, out of sheer admiration, innocently patted your hair and GOT STUCK!!! How much more of these awkward moments do you need to go thru before you realise? It’s only a matter of time before Avram Grant realizes that you may be impeding your team’s success….Oh wait, he’s already done that!

On the other hand, maybe your hair is a form of philanthropy. Maybe its your way to give back to the community. Shevchenko may be a lucky man. With the amount of grease his hand would have collected from its encounter with your hair, he can start up his own Hair Product business! Lord knows how concentrated all that grease is. With the right extraction, cleansing (we don’t want sweat now, do we?) and dilution, he may soon be competing with Revlon and Proline in the African Hair Products Market…. If that is the case, more grease to your elbows!

Send me a lock, will ya? 🙂 Big brother?

Yours sweet-but-honest Sister,

Fatoumatta Boukar (That’s how my name would probably have been spelt if I was Ivorian, just like my Bro Didi!)

P.S. If you missed Bro Didi’s swift maneuver, check this out. Sorry about the quality though, UEFA removed all the original video for copyright infringement and only this one survived.

the slap is at 0.38

P.P.S. This is NOT an anti-Chelsea post 🙂

   

Au  revoir!  

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4 Responses to Here’s the post you asked for, please spare my life!!!

  1. Fåtímå says:

    LMFAO!!!!!!!!1

  2. Abdul says:

    dnt kno how to tank u 4 such a lovely post, actually bin waitin 4 it since d day we tuk da cup. it was a tough season but stil we made it. united 4 lyf

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